The Invasion: A Kitten Takes Over

by: Raine

Nearly a year ago my sister and I were at the drive-through of a Burger King that is just down the street from our house. The family had a hankering for milkshakes and like the good daughters we are, we went to pick some up. (Be mindful of the fact that girls cannot go anywhere alone.) As we were perusing our options, we heard a mewl from the bushes beneath the menu. At first, both of us thought that we were hearing things and ignored the sound. However, it continued.

“Do you hear that?” my sister asked and I nodded.

“I think it’s a kitten.”

While she ordered the milkshakes, I climbed out of the car and searched the bushes; I found a little ball of striped fluff. It fought as I picked it up and of course its unbelievable cuteness immediately won me over.

Then, it hijacked my brain and forced me to speak in a baby voice for its own amusement.

The little furball had found his first victim.

I brought him back to the car and my sister and I cooed over him. (He hijacked her brain, too.) We showed him off to the cashier at the drive-through and then carted him home.

(You’re AWWing right now, aren’t you? It’s the magical kitty POWERS, I tell you. THE POWERS!)

Of course my mother, who is incredibly allergic to cats, immediately said no when she saw him. We hadn’t said a word but mothers know these things – she had to stop the cat’s hostile take over of our household before it was too late.

She failed.

……………..

(I can’t write anything but: AWW! HOW CUTE!)

By the next morning, he had a name. By that afternoon, he’d had his first shots. By that night, he controlled four people with his telepathic kitty powers, excluding my father. He held out the longest.

I recount this quaint little tale because finding this kitten (i.e. being lured by its mewling tractor beam) has changed my life. My cat Timmy has done what every other domestic cat before him has managed to do – he has made willing pets out of sentient beings. (My father, predictably, succumbed to the Cute two days after furball’s arrival.)

A cat can make any human stop what she is doing in order to get a delicious scratch behind the ears, a short run with a favorite toy or enjoy the wicked pleasure of getting chased after creating some sort of mischief. When Lord Feline suddenly changes his mind, the human is allowed to return to her task.

One day I will discover the source of a cat’s powers. Until then, I will love and dote upon this very adorable, manipulative and fickle feline while I plot my revenge. (Just as he planned it, I imagine.)

(Learning about humans via osmosis.)

Now, the kitty may rule the roost, but he also finds time to protect and entertain me. Cats have all sorts of crazy antics intended for human entertainment. My Timmy’s are no different. (See that possessive pronoun? I tried to delete it but my brain is still hijacked.) There is a reason  Youtube is flooded with cat videos. Cats have studied the best ways to keep their pet humans content and laughing. We simply can’t help ourselves.

Here are two of Timmy’s more useful and entertaining idiosyncrasies. If I were to add anymore, I would sound like an obsessive cat owner – er – an even more obsessive cat owner – er – cat pet.

The first idiosyncrasy is a behavior that is quite bizarre to a human such as myself: an obsession with creepy crawlies. I suppose this makes sense because he has chosen Miami the subtropical as the city of his take over. Therefore, he must first rid it of all unwanted life forms – primarily, the cockroach.

Roaches scare the crap out of me. They’re gross and they crawl all over you and they play peek-a-boo from any place they can squeeze their disgusting bodies into (which is everywhere.)

(No need to thank me. Please, no autographs.)

This is why Timmy is a godsend. (Or, maybe he sent himself.) Ever since he entered the house, live roaches have become a nonentity. Dead ones, however, have increased in population. Perhaps they are a gift to we insignificant plebeians.

What I don’t understand is how he finds torturing the things amusing. Maybe he’s questioning them for information about his enemies. In any case, he saved me one night. Seriously, all that was missing were the blue tights and red underwear. (I don’t think he could find any in his size.)

(We have used a live lizard in place of a cockroach in this photo because I have a weak constitution.)

That night, I was lying in bed, trying to fall asleep, when I felt a roach run across my stomach. I screamed like a five-year-old and ran out of my room. My startled sister demanded to know what happened.

“A roach crawled all over me!”

“EWW! Get the cat!”

“What?” (I was struck stupid by disgust and horror.)

“The cat. He catches roaches.”

“Oh!”

I found Timmy, picked him up and threw him on my bed. (Yes, I threw him. I was not getting anywhere NEAR that bed. Besides, who ever heard of a superhero who doesn’t fly?) He glanced at me with indignation and confusion. I pointed to the corner of my bed and was immediately forgiven. Timmy zeroed in on the roach and froze, prepared to do his worst.

(Give me praise!)

I knew that soon, all would be right with the world. Moments later, Timmy coolly strutted over to the shower (his designated torture chamber) and laid his writhing prize on the tiled floor. He glanced up at us, waiting for our praise, which we gratefully lavished upon him.

“Good boy!”

“You’re the best!”

Timmy gloated. We fawned. He tortured. We watched. Timmy feasted with a sickening crunch. I fearfully stayed up another hour.

The next idiosyncrasy I would like to address is this strange preoccupation with water. During his stay with us, Timmy seems to be treating us with unparalleled benevolence. Apparently, without our knowledge, the water in Miami is not fit for consumption. It must be constantly tested and retested to ensure the lives of human pets. Timmy has taken it upon himself to do this.

Here is how I know:

After careful observation of my behavior and finding me a predictable sort of creature, Timmy knows that when I walk into the bathroom, I will eventually turn on the water. So now the little perv follows me into the bathroom, patiently watches me do my business and then lithely hops onto the sink when I stand up to wash my hands. He shoves his head under the faucet to make sure that he gets to the water first, fiercely protecting his most loyal pet human.

I turn on the faucet and this adorable, self-sacrificing creature bravely endures, soaking his head in order to test the safety of the water. Then, as soon as he’s discerned that the chemical levels are safe for human consumption, he takes a long, long, long, long, long drink as a reward for his efforts. Only after his worry – and thirst – has been quenched may I wash my hands.

His generosity does not end there. OH NO. Each time he spies a water glass on a counter or table, he immediately does what any self-respecting human owner would do: he shoves his head in it to block any potential victims from eminent death. If his tongue cannot reach the water for testing, he knocks over the cup to ensure that no one but he can drink the potentially hazardous liquid. Thank the Timmy we are safe!

(Basking in the glow of the heavens.)

All of this has convinced me that Timmy loves and adores me despite his plans for a hostile take over of the world. Although he doesn’t like to show too much affection, he will allow me to shower him with it and always acknowledges it with a deep purr and a short grooming of my fingers. I like to think that when he’s sitting on his throne, he will keep me by his side.

Until that moment comes, Timmy often has time to entertain. He has several gut-busters such as crashing into sliding glass doors, jumping from the sofa to the dining room table (and missing), pawing at rear ends from the inside of the sofa, and scaring himself by kicking his water bowl. I think he learned his comedy from the Three Stooges.

For the laughter and for the protection and yes, even for the smidgeon of love he has shown me, I am forever grateful for Timmy’s presence in my life. He has made me his daily companion and times are never lonely with him.

HOWEVER, the next time you hear mewling from the bushes, BEWARE.

Dogs come when they’re called. Cats take a message and get back to you.– Mary Bly

End Rant 5.

This post has been marked and approved by Sir Timmy of Miami.
 
Editors: baby b, KD

50 thoughts on “The Invasion: A Kitten Takes Over

  1. Lafemmeroar says:

    OMG you’ve become your cat’s pet human 🙂 lmao! I used to have a cat and he was deathly afraid of water so kudos to your little one for loving it–I’ve never seen a cat dunk its head in running water. Timmy must have been a human in a former life.

    Also, you’re brave to search the bushes … I’d be too afraid as I might see a stray rat lurking behind the leaves. You are an awesome Crazy Chick … sharing this now so the other crazy chicks will know just how bad ass you are 🙂

    • Raine says:

      I’m a pet. All I need is a collar ….now that sounds dirty 😛

      Timmy was most definitely a human in another life. My whole family teases him after I wrote this thing. Thank the Timmy! Are you watertesting, boy?

      I’m a tad reckless…so ya, I would search the bushes. Thanks for sharing my post! I checked out one other CC’s blog today. It was an artsy one, the purple…something. I’m going to thoroughly look when I have more time!

  2. Michael Cargill says:

    God bless small, cute furry things. Pets are great in small doses but I don’t think I could put up with the hassle of keeping one myself.

    Some of the clips on YouTube of cats are great, especially the one that jumps in the air to catch the plastic bat.

    • Raine says:

      I love that one!

      I never though I could deal with the hassle, but now that he’s here, I think its worth it. He also doesn’t beg for attention like a dog would. (Love dogs, just can’t handle owning one.)

  3. JoAnne says:

    Raine, I am a very good unni and I found a boy for you. I think he lives in California…and you’re probably a noona, but it’s ok. He’s a-dorable. He’s got a whole channel of videos on Youtube. (I think maybe he’s a bit too much of a Cali-boy for you honestly but he’s so flippin’ cute it might not matter.)

    You’re welcome.

    • Raine says:

      Oh! Welcome to posting dear lurker! Thanks for commenting! I’m glad you enjoyed it because I enjoyed writing it (well, most of the time).

      Cats are a pleasure and I really and truly am looking to spend his lifetime together. Even this morning, from the time I woke up until now (when I have to leave) he follows me around and always stays in the room I’m in. I love him. LOVE HIM.

  4. Hibaaaa S. says:

    SIMPLY ADORABLLEE!!! hhahhaah i LUVED de video u posted hahaha i luved it so much i downloaded it n it makes me laugh until now even tho ive watched for about a millionth time 😀

    i luv ur descriptive writing especially the humorous captions under each picture…hahahaah i ADORED de part u sed u practicalyl THREW timmy on de bed and pointed at the roach for timmy to attack hahahaah 😀

    IVE BARELY COME ACROSS CATS DAT LOVE WATER! u have a rare breed i tel ya o.o yes u shud idolize him oh hes an everyday-entertainer :’)

    ive never kept a cat as a permanent pet but i have catsat (there such word?…oh well:P) my frnds cats n they seemed like de regular old m-interested-in-your-yarns-only creatures hahaha…tho even dat was fun, nevertheless i simply luved hearing bout Timmy :”’)))

    • Raine says:

      Thank you for reading! I’ve cat-sat plenty of times. Easy money and you make new, furry, purry, friends.

      heehee. I’m glad you liked the captions! I wondered if those were affective.

  5. Becoming Bitter says:

    I noticed there were plenty of comments about running over things.

    I have a confession to make.

    I ran over… PSH this morning.

  6. Becoming Bitter says:

    Adorable! Adorable! Adorable! Now I want a cat too. Anyways I wanted to ask you something Ranting Cello. Do you clean the cat’s mouth? He eats roaches and then what if he doesn’t wash his mouth – doesn’t he lick you or something else? Then that means that there are dead roach guts being slime- Oh sorry, I was getting too graphic. *evil laugh*

    • maddino says:

      Roach slime! Such a lovely description! I always hate that about dramas. They have blood on their lips, just threw up, or have been drenched in a filthy pond (um…oops…I’m guilty of it too) and then they kiss.

      • Raine says:

        *AHEM* The nice, princess-like RC would like to inform the evil parts of this conversation that she calls her baby “Cockroach breath”. And that he left a dead one in the hallway for me to give to you as a gift. You are now under his rule.

        I don’t mind the kissing with blood, but vomit is just too much. That’s not passionate, that’s sick.

  7. eva626 says:

    i had a pet cat once…her name was samantha…she ran away and next morning we found her squished on the road (we were walking to school)…SAD!

    but great post and cute kitty!!!

  8. Becoming Bitter says:

    Never had a pet cat, but having one sounds fun. I agree with Villager – the pics are cute.

    I know I usually leave you long comments, but an accident happened today with a family member of mine. He is in the hospital right now. I’m watching my siblings. You probably think I’m all weird for coming on here and commenting like this, but it’s driving me crazy to just do nothing. No body is telling me anything.

    • Raine says:

      Bitte- Waiting is always the hardest. I hope that you find something out soon!! How are your siblings doing? And having something to occupy time is always better than sitting entertaining obsessive worries.

      • Becoming Bitter says:

        My siblings save for one are too young to understand what’s going on. Thankfully they are not asking me any questions. I feel so worried and I feel like crying.

    • Raine says:

      Spiky! You are, you are! He will be the ONLY cat you like. He doesn’t beg for attention OR food. I can’t say that he and your pug will get along, but…dat’s otay. It might be late May…heehee. *ducks from the wrath of the Mrs.*

        • Raine says:

          Yes but she’s special that way cause she has rolls and snorts and wags her whole butt and looks cute. Maybe I’ll write something on HER.

          And I’m not sure yet. After May 4 for sure! I have a solo gig. MONEY! MONEY! Need to talk with my sister and call the apt complex…

  9. Shel says:

    Your Timmy looks just like our “barn cats”. We don’t have cats inside, as we are all very allergic. But, one day a couple of years ago a kitty adopted us, and then had kittens. One of them hung around, her mom has since died. But, a couple of months ago, she had three kittens that all look like clones of their mom. So we have four “Timmys” who regularly bring us gophers (yay!) rabbits (yay!…hey I know they’re cute, but they eat my veggie garden) and moles (yay!). We do feed them in the mornings. When I get up to take my teenager to her very early morning class, they are all lined up outside the french doors, looking very pitiful and hungry. I never considered myself a cat person, but we’re hooked.

    My grammie’s cat, Cinco, used to bat at the bathroom spigot handles until they came on, then play in the water until it was all over the bathroom.

    • Raine says:

      I like when Timmy hunts. He likes when I like it. As long as its not MY pet rabbit, its ok. I’ve never seen a live gopher or a mole before….O_o.

      Cats do grow on you. They are sly little critters.

      Thanks for reading Shel!

  10. Heather says:

    Well, I have quite a few of the same photos as you haha, with a few minute differences. While Timmy uses the sink to ensure the water is safe, Merlin uses the shower. And while Timmy paws at your tushy from the inside of the couch, Merlin lunges out of cupboards and attacks ankles haha. As for the insect issue, ours is spiders. He enjoys placing his paw on top of them and rolling it around until the poor little arachnid tucks into a ball for protection and then its chow time. Disgusting lol.

  11. JoAnne says:

    Ha! Timmy sounds awesome 🙂

    …my dog Maisie hops into the tub to lick the walls dry after I shower. If the curtains are closed, she stands there waiting for me to re-open them. (She is too little to do it herself.)

    …my late beloved kitty Jinx (Jibbie for short. Yeah, I know.) used to ask for permission to sit on my shoulder on the couch, and at night she would lay her head in the crook of my arm/shoulder and go to sleep. Sigh…

    • Raine says:

      Aw, that’s so sweet! Jibbie, rub off on Timmy. Timmy doesn’t cuddle. That is my HUGEST complaint. But he ALWAYS lies beside me. If I change rooms, he follows me. He’s half dog/half alien cat.

      What kind of dog is Maisie? Sounds so cute!

  12. Raine says:

    :D:D:D:D

    *ahem* before I begin. The Timmy sitting on the sofa back behind me approves of your comment.

    That said, ISN”T HE THE CUTEST?! *GUSH GUSH GUSH*

    I’m glad you found it funny…no REALLY. Humor is so difficult to write. You don’t want to go over board, but you don’t want to be too subtle so people don’t get it.

    And that you liked the water part…OMG OMG OMG. That part was so hair-pullingly difficult to write. YOu should see earlier drafts. They’re about as amusing as a pet rock.

    Cats are amazing. I definitely want another one. I think his highness would like a queen.

    Baby brother’s are good pets. Mine had the chubbiest cheeks! AWW

    • thejawavillager says:

      So true. You never know what you might find funny that no one else does. It takes a lot of thinking, more than a straight forward post might. I’m happy his royal highness liked my comment. And my baby brother was puny. Still is. I used to think he was normal then I saw other people’s babies his age and was like WHOA, BOB, YOU’RE TINY! Haha, but he’s still the cutest thing ever…:D

  13. thejawavillager says:

    GAAAHHH, I luurrrve your cat!!! ‘Thank the Timmy we are safe!’
    Loved all of your stories! The ‘testing water for human consumption’ one was particularly hilarious. THE PICS WERE SO CUTEEEEE!!! How’d you get his eyes to shine like that. I TOTALLY believe you, he is a super hero in disguise. LOL at you throwing him on the bed. hahah.
    Aww, now I want a cat too, but I guess baby brother is close enough for now. 😀

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