It’s funny how things happen, big things, and still, life goes on. The lives most affected by those big things continue to go on. Sometimes the person remembers those big things; sometimes those big things lie dormant in the back of the person’s mind.
My aunt died. Well, she was found dead. I came home for the holidays and on the way home from the airport we received the call.
That was Tuesday. Today is Friday. Since then we’ve been busy planning the funeral. Aside from that, life has been normal. People laugh and smile, cry and fuss. I keep cracking jokes like the wise ass I am. I went out to breakfast with friends.
Then I come back and call the ME’s office about the death certificate like it’s something that I do everyday – call for written proof that someone is dead.
It just baffles me how I can feel two such different emotions in the matter of seconds. I can hear my mom screaming in agony in one second (it was her sister who died) and I’m laughing at the k-drama my sister is watching the next.
I kind of just wish I could cry. I don’t really cry for death. I cry all the time for k-drama and films and all that. But give me something real, and I’d rather be the person organizing the action. The tears remain stillborn. I tried to force myself the other day, but instead I just felt like an idiot.
Honestly, I want the funeral to be over. I want the greed that shows up over a dead person’s financial affairs to be over. I want to work on my k-dramas. I’m almost done with my Answer Me 1997 review. I have so many other plans for the blog. Cheongdam-dong Alice. I want to learn new cello pieces. I want to take walks. I want to brush up on my piano skills. I’d rather be doing all of that than dealing with this funeral.
That’s the emotion that’s the most difficult to cope with. Wanting to extract myself from this whole process.
We have to go to New York on Sunday. I don’t want to go. I want to stay home and go on with life and that makes me feel guilty. I don’t want to go clear out an apartment that literally smells like death. I want to be selfish. I want to pretend it never happened.
But it did. Now I’m going to go deal with it like a big girl.